


I'm Sorry

by Desirae



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, M/M, S3x05, episode coda, hint of immortal Alec Lightwood, promo s3x06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-24 22:24:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14364954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Desirae/pseuds/Desirae
Summary: “I’m not a child, Magnus,”“Then stop acting like one!”Promo based coda.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't gonna write a coda. I've felt pretty gutted since the episode and that promo kind of pushed me over the edge. I know they'll be fine but damn it, the angst kills me, and I have been shadowbanned on twitter and have no one to vent with, so this happened.
> 
> As per usual, my Malec is portrayed by the amazing Matthew Daddario&Harry Shum Jr., but of course, envision whomever you wish <3

_“I’m not a child, Magnus,”_

_“Then stop acting like one!”_

The conversation played on a loop in his head all day long. During every client meeting, while he made his potions, always in the back of his mind. How Alec had just closed off, stood in his bare feet to go change for work. The way he had paused on the way out the door, back facing Magnus as though he couldn’t bring himself to look at him.

_“I’m sorry. You’re right. I am being childish. I’m not trying to be...I just...I just have so much churning inside me right now, I don’t know what to do with the overflow.”_

_Magnus stared at the rigid line of his lovers back, willing him to turn around. To look at him. When he did, the turmoil on his handsome face nearly made Magnus’ heart stop_.

_“I feel like I’m losing you and I only just found you,” Alec said desperately and Magnus longed to protest but didn’t dare interrupt.  Not when he knew how hard it was for Alec to talk about these things. “And I know that it’s stupid to worry about the future when we have the here and now,” Alec closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as though aggravated with himself, more than the situation.  Alec opened his eyes again and when they lit on Magnus’ he could see the shimmer of tears that he was trying so valiantly to hold back._

_“Alexander,” he whispered, brokenly and his Nephilim just held up a hand._

_“No. Please. You don’t need to say anything. This is me. It’s all me. You’ve always been honest with me. It’s not like it’s a newsflash that I’m...I’m just temporary for you. Unless I find a way...well. You know. If you’d even want me too,” Alec shook his head, as though coming back to himself, but Magnus was still reeling from the words._

_Find a way. Find a way to what?_ He’d screamed the words in his head though he’d already known. Of course, he had. To become immortal is what his beloved Alexander had been too afraid to say. Afraid of Magnus’ reaction? His answer? All of the above? He glanced down at his phone, willing a message to appear, only to find a selfie of him and Alec staring back at him, mockingly.

Magnus went out onto the balcony, clad in purple silk lounge pants and nothing else, and attempted to center himself with some _Tai_ _Chi_. Blue magic danced across his fingertips and between his palms, but he couldn’t keep it steady, the bulbs of light flaring out of control as his mind kept drifting back to Alec’s words that morning.

_“I don’t have a problem with your mementos, Magnus.  I would never wish for you not to have something that gives you comfort. You loved and were loved in return by these people and of course I want you to have that. To have something tangible to touch and reminisce about. To remember what that love felt like. There is no one more deserving of love than you.  And when I’m…,” Alec trailed off, gathering himself and Magnus had to blink back the sting of his own tears at his hesitation. “When I’m gone, I would be honored if you did find something to remember me by. To be in the company of those who were lucky enough to have had a piece of your heart,” Alec’s voice caught on the tail end and it was enough to allow a stray tear to cascade down his cheek. Alec scrubbed his hands over his face vigorously as though he could erase the bittersweet look off of his face and offered up a lopsided smile. ”I’m gonna go. I need to see if there is any news about the owl. I need to see if Jace has made any firm plans about getting treatment-I’ll explain later,” he finished when it was obvious that Magnus’ confusion was displayed on his face._

This whole immortality issue had him behind. Not only was his Alexander feeling insecure about his place in Magnus’ life, he had a killer on the loose to deal with and a Parabatai who was falling off the rails. It was no wonder that emotions were running extra high. When Alec had tentatively come closer to give him a kiss goodbye, Magnus had clutched at Alec’s forearms tightly, enough so that there would probably be bruises, but Alec hadn’t flinched. Instead, he’d just sighed into the kiss as though relieved he was still able to claim one.

There had been so many things Magnus had wanted to say, so many words bubbling to the surface. Like how even the thought of being without Alec stripped him of his breath. How he _needed_ to live in the now so he wouldn’t have to think about a time where he would be without him. How that even though he has loved before, he would never love again the way he did with Alexander. How he had never fallen so fast and how if he could find a way to grant Alec immortality, if it were truly what the Nephilim wanted, then, by all means, he would do everything in his power to try and make that happen.

Of course, he didn’t say any of those things. He couldn’t, not when the lump in his throat made it impossible for any words to come out of his mouth. But oh, he wanted to. He wanted to talk it all out, make it clear to Alexander that he was _just_ as integral to him as he was to Alec. And he would. If he would just come home.

“Come home to me, Alexander,” Magnus whispered out loud. As though answering the plea, Magnus’ phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, letting out a breath he hadn’t been aware of holding until he saw he had a message.

_From Alexander: Not much else I can do here today. Dinner? I can pick up something on the way back if you’d like._

He imagined Alec standing tensely, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he waited for an answer and Magnus did not leave him wondering long.

_From me: I’ll handle dinner. I just need you._

They had a lot to talk about, he knew. He wanted to. But when Alec walked into the loft twenty minutes later and gathered Magnus up in his arms, clutching him tightly, he sighed, relaxed for the first time since they had parted that morning. Yes. They needed to talk. But as they continued to hold each other, breathing one another in, he knew for this one moment, it would keep.

 

The End


End file.
